94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
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My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.