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Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
Don’t we all.
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”