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Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*