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Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
One venti cheeseburger please.
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious