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55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
Phones down.
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.