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Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?