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Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
Imagine having a party on purpose.
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!