You Might Also Like
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
don’t we all
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.