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Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.