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me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
Only a mother’s love …
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.