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Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
#Caturday
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.