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[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.