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interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.