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I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.