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The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
Me redecorating every room in my mind
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis