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Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire