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I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
They’re on their honeymoon
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure