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Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
Foo fighters still fighting foo.