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Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way