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Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
Mad Max Arctic Road
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
Anyone really
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many