You Might Also Like
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.