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I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
This pepper has seen some shit
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
New menu item
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated