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boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.