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Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
There’s always that one guy
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.