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Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
Ape together strong
road rage
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.