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*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.