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[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
Always a housemaid, never a house.
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.