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90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na