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Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
The asteroid..
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
6. me as a lawyer
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
never ask a starfish for directions
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice