95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
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After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating