95% of dentists recommend teeth.
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I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
Yep.
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
Life with a cat in one tweet
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.