95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
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In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
then why did i get this email
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.