95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
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All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.