95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
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If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
i think both sides are to blame here
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!