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ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
Bread puns are on the rise!
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
Guy who likes music
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.