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a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best