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I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
Van Gone
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?