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Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.