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If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
christening a ship with an overripe banana
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.