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Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*