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[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
Don’t tell me what to do
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
sensitive skin
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble