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The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
Basketball
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here