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If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
Otters drive ottermobiles.
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older