You Might Also Like
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam