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My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.