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To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
who did the taste test?
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
Bring back the McRib
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed