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I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.