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*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color