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I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
S O O N
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.