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My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
You learn something every day
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving