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“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.