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I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
just having fun
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator