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Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
Who wants to be my Valentine?
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
Stonehinge
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.