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“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
Which wines pair best with gloating?
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.